Bear with me here.. this is going to be a long/emotionally baring post.
So here it goes.
It’s been 5 months since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Up until this point, I’ve internalized everything and taken it in stride. Up until this point I was ok with it.
I was watching this new “show” on youtube called “Side Effects” and this one song struck a chord with me. The song is called “Bad Day” and this one lyric caught me and I started to tear up. “You’re just like mom, you act so strong. And she was barely holding on.” Now, I know that in this show their mom died of some kind of cancer, and even though my mom isn’t dead or going to die, it’s still a really tough thing to watch your mom go through this. And I’m trying so hard to be strong for her and for my sisters but I’m seriously beginning to crack. The song continues to say “You think you had a bad day, you think you had it rough. I’ve taken all I can take, now I’ve had enough.” This is how I’m feeling. I feel like I can’t take anymore but I know I have to.
I have to take pills to sleep otherwise I can’t. I have to set 5 alarms in the morning so that I wake up. Most of the time I’m the one who has to make dinner. I feel like my parents have shut down on us when we need them the most. I understand that I’m an adult now and I have to be responsible for myself, but I had to start being an adult before I was able to finish being a kid. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m trying so hard to make everyone else happy that I am neglecting myself. And when I am finally able to do something for myself, something that I enjoy, my parents and sisters make me feel like shit about it. I don’t know if this is some form of depression, or if it is me beginning to crack, all I know is I don’t know how much more of it I can take. I don’t know how much longer I can cry in my bedroom in the middle of the night and have that just be enough. I want to talk to my parents but I feel like my dad doesn’t care/want to hear it and I’m not sure my mom can take it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know where to turn.
It’s 4 am right now. I have class tomorrow and one of my assignments isn’t finished. Granted, I’m not so stressed about this one as my instructor is ridiculously understanding about what is going on in my life right now. But, I’m trying so hard to work and do school and care about/for my family -even though it’s not my job and I shouldn’t be worrying this much- I can’t help it.
The other day in class one of my classmates joked about the photography I’ve been doing lately. He said “Ya know, this is the kind of stuff people post on facebook before they kill themselves. Are you all right there?” While I know he was joking, he had no idea how right he was. Not the killing myself part, because that is one thing I will never do. But he was right to notice that there is something wrong. And so far he’s the only one to really acknowledge it, whether he was joking or not. So to answer his question - No, no I’m not ok here.